I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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