dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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