I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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