and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
