Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
