I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
