How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
