Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
