i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
