Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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