Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
