a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
