My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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