Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
