I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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