the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
