Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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