i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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