She is in my trunk
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
