I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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