In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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