paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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