It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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