my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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