Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
