We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
