here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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