Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
