watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
