we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
