Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
