It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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