Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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