I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
