and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
