its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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