I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
