When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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