Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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