I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
