That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
