fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
