This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
