Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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