So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
