u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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