what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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