This is not my ceiling
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
