I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
