so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
