My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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