He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
