i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
